The subject of Legacy, a topic I wrote about a while back, came up again in a recent conversation. The question this time came from a different place: how to create a support system to sustain a child who might not have the best skills for independent living?
The worries of parents as they work to develop a safety cushion to maintain their children’s stability and well-being are challenging and employ different front: helping the child mature to become a responsible adult who can make good, autonomous choices, gain a healthy prospect on life and develop a successful path with education, training, successful employment and career. Effective progress on this path will result in a variety of forms of independence, and those, in turn, will contribute to them achieving financial stability. That will reduce the burden on the parent to help the child, allowing them to maintain their lifestyle level and enjoy a more comfortable retirement later on.
Caring for and supporting children is what good parents do. This practice does not end when the child becomes an adult but rather remains a life-long priority. It provides for a stable and meaningful life for the children and helps to retain a healthy and bonded, happy family unit. But even with their best efforts put forth, many parents face growing worries over the personal and professional stability of their child and their limitations to effectively assist them. The reasons for that vary:
- A child who does not have a career that sustains them financially.
- A child who may lack the ability to make responsible decisions for themselves.
- A child who sustains themselves by depending on others through unhealthy relationships.
- A parent who does not have sufficient savings to offer as an inheritance to their child might need those savings to support themselves in later years.
The monetary solution to these situations is for financial advisors to address. Some possible life coaching paths to solving this query may be found in the next few paragraphs. Since money is the problem and not the solution, certain steps must be taken to gain the upper hand. Not everyone can afford the costs involved in hiring a lawyer or a trust manager to help their adult child maintain their assets. In the situation I am writing about, both the giving and the receiving sides are in a vulnerable position. Each depends on the other for some kind of support; the child relies on the parent for guidance and assistance, the parent on the child for emotional relief and peace of mind. To achieve a healthy solution, the two sides need to join forces and approach this challenge as more equal partners than giver-receiver.
That mutual vulnerability may be a sensitive topic to address in some families. It could be hard for a person to recognize, less so to admit to others that they are in such a situation. Pointing out a vulnerability to another person could produce animosity and resentment instead of acceptance and cooperation, deferring the sought-after resolution. A passive or insufficiently aware child may be lost in a false sense of comfortable reality as they continue to depend on the parent’s support. When the parent is no longer part of that picture, the child will be left to face the harsh reality of managing their assets on their own. The overwhelming responsibility and lack of preparedness/ability to deal with the situation may worsen their situation.
An open and honest conversation between the parent and the child could be used to address the parents’ worries and concerns. Inviting the child to join forces and address those worries through discussion and planning, training, and education, would do well to build trust between the two sides. The child, who realizes the situation and its implications, will have an opportunity to wise up and prepare for those coming days in various ways. The sharing of information and wisdom will gain the child’s confidence and empower them with the means to assert better control over their lives. The parent, for their part, could find some peace of mind and be reassured that their child is on safer, more stable ground. We all raise our kids to become independent, productive adults. For some, a later lesson can be a valuable gift, one that the parent can enjoy watching them open over time.
It should be noted that many may have tried this approach and found it less productive than they hoped for. This can happen in the best relationships but should not be a reason to assume defeat. A way to restore motion in the process may be to engage with an intermediary – a life coach who is experienced in such dynamics, who would facilitate the communications, advance plans and understandings between the parties, and act as the person both sides are accountable to on the progress and actions along that course.
Another venue to consider is to help the child develop a small personal network of reliable, functioning adults who will act as surrogate parents in the parents’ absence. This network should be developed over time, allowing the child and members of the network to develop a rapport and work out any difficulties under the parents’ guidance. From the child’s perspective, they will be slowly “gaining” additional parental figures, developing trust, understanding, and accountability with the network members. The child will be able to rely on them for advice and help with decision-making about assets management and other parts of their independent life, just as many of us rely on such networks for help with many facets of our lives.
These proposed approaches may not work for everyone. Imagination, common sense, and patience are essential ingredients for working through this complex maze. Even if a solution is not reached completely and a certain hardship remains a challenge, other advances gained through the process (better and open communication, good preparedness, healthy grasp of reality), will help to improve a challenging situation and provide for better, more stable future.